Monday, April 8, 2013

The rant of blah

    Ugh. My brain has been in "I don't wanna" mode these past few days. I think it's my brain's way of recovering from a depression 'shut down'. For anyone those who are lucky enough to go through life not having to deal with clinical depression, a 'shut down' is pretty much what it says. It's where you pretty much shut down. You don't think, speak, feel. You don't anything. I have been on medication for the past several years, but there are still times when an episode manages to break through. I just pretty much just sit there real quiet for the whole day, only speaking when required. The thoughts in my mind are thoughts that I might not normally think. Usually things like if my husband or kids really need me, if they would be better off if I left. I don't feel any sadness though. That's the strange part. I just feel so.....empty. I don't feel anything. Thankfully though, by the next day things are usually back to normal....for the most part. It always seems that for the next few days after a breakthrough episode my brain feels somewhat drained. Like coming back from the edge took all I had or something.

    So how long have I struggled with this sickness? I was diagnosed when I was 13. I had hit an all time low and written a note to a friend in school saying that I was going to kill myself. My mom immediately took me to a counselor to find out what was going on. After my diagnosis, I was started on antidepressants. I found these made things worse. One even put me in such a daze that during the 2-3 months that the medication was in my system I have no memory of. Apparently my sister (who is six years younger than me) was looking after me. I eventually gave up on meds and took a more natural approach to treating my depression. Through meditation, journals, friends, and more, I found I was able to overcome I my depression for the longest time medication free. It wasn't until after I had my second son that I found I could no longer fight my depression on my own. I didn't have the time for myself to do things like meditation or even to write in journals. No time for friends. Not even time for me. Plus with hormonal postpartum, the depression was just too much. After talking to my doctor and expressing my concerns with medications, we tried 2 or 3 medications before finding my current antidepressant. Though it has had to be increased in dosage in the 4 years I have been taking it, I find it has been helping me better than if I were to go without. As a mother of two boys, and a wife, I don't always have time for myself. I have found sometimes it doesn't hurt to have that little extra medicated help.

    There are those out there that may not believe that depression is a true mental sickness. They may feel it is only a state of mind. I know a lot of people like that. I have had to deal with their prejudices for years. All I can say to them is they are not me. They have not had to deal with my struggles, and they are blessed to not have this sickness. I go through each day fighting my fight. Living each day one at a time, and facing them as they come. I don't worry about tomorrow, just today, because before tomorrow can come I must first get through this day.

-Sesshy

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